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Dirty van messages

For no particular reason, I've been compiling a list of dirty van messages - those little messages written on the back of dirty vehicles. The list is expanding nicely now, so a big thanks to all of you who've sent me new ones. Please get in touch if you have any amusing ones you think I should know about.


Save the whale - I'll have it for my supper"

"Preserve wildlife - Go pickle a squirrel"

"It's this dirty because I washed it with your wife's knickers"

"No I haven't stolen it , I'm just a shit driver", security van

"Small penis available - see driver"

"If you think this van is dirty, you should try having sex with the driver"

"Your skid stops here", above a dented guard on the back of an artic trailer

"If you've read this notice then by the time you read it, you'll have already read it"

"The driver is not a poof"

"What are the pink bits in my tyres? Cyclists & Joggers"

"7up is good for you, signed snow white", pop van

"This van's got a widget"

"Why clean me, why even keep me, why even look at me, why not SCRAP me?"

"If you can read this you are a cunt"

"Test dirt"

"Vegetarians taste great"

"If little girls are made of sugar and spice, how come they taste like anchovies?"

"Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly" (on the back of a police car in Israel)

"Puff the magic wagon", hippy van

"Puff the tragic wagon", old Toyota wagon

"Dirty? You should see my arse"

"Little mo, trevor is a cunt!"

"Hows my speeding?"

"White with a hint of M42"

"Every do you do is driven by us", cesspit collection tanker

"How's my driving? Call 999"

"Small asylum seeker wanted as mud flap, must be flexible and willing to travel"

"NO HAND SIGNALS kosovan thief driving"

"Co-op.... Keeping Britain's immigrants cool", refrigerated co-op truck

"Just like the driver's wife - dirty as fuck"

"Honk if you bonk"

"Be very careful my driving's shite"

"If you think thid van is dirty you should try sex with the driver"

"More poke than a German Brothel", Escort Cosworth

"Anti glare paint"

"Nice one for blocking me in"

"You've tried the cowboys now try the indians", Indian builder's van

"Caution: Pigs in Transit", Police van

"Do not clean - seeds planted"

"No hand signals. Driver on Viagra"

"If you can read this the bitch fell off", motorbike

"My other lorry is a Mercedes"

"Wash me ya feckin idiot"

"Save a tree, eat a beaver"

"Organic garden opening here soon"

"Quiet, refugees sleeping"

"Gary Glitter on tour", police van

"If you can see this, then some fucker's nicked my caravan", blue Ford Transit

"Quiet, refugees sleeping"

"I brake for Hallucinations"

"I brake for no particular reason"

"Overtaker", on right hand side "Undertaker", on left hand side

"Beware - animal lover - brakes for pussy"

"A dog's not just for Christmas, it's alright on a Friday night too"

"Jim is a fenian poof"

"Free beer and titties"

"Beware!! Sudden Tea Breaks"

"It's Still cleaner than yer ma'"

"Driver lexdyslic"

"So fresh next of kin havent been informed", fish delivery van

"Indian Driver - Smoke signals only"

"Help me, I can't breathe"

"Danger - Agency Driver", 7.5 tonner

"OUCH", above a dent in the side of a very very dirty yellow truck

"Constipated People Don't Give A Crap"

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me"

"You are following Steptoe"

"Help! Been kidnapped, call police"

"All HGV drivers are gay, For fight see driver", transit driven by a little old man

"If you think this is dirty, try sleeping with the driver"

"I love getting felt", roofing contractor's van

"For sale: mop and bucket never used"

"Don't come knockin when the van's a rockin"

"PASSION WAGON : don't laugh your daughter maybe inside!"

"Take care Kosovan's on board"

"The man driving this van is a homo"

"Lance is gay"

"Brainer is a giant cock faced poofter"

"If you're reading this you are gay"

"If you are reading this then you are a cunt"

"Big baby on board"

"Fatty, Fatty give us a wave!"

"Come on girls be a flirt, go ahead and raise that shirt"

"Test dirt. Do not wash"

"Oh shit, now I need to wash my finger"

"I was going to wash my van, but then I got high"

"I wish my wife was as dirty as this"

... "Oh, she is!" (added to the above)

... "and she's in this van!" (added to the above)

... "then i could write things on her back" (added to the first one again)

"If my wife was as dirty as this i would be at home"

"If you think this is dirty, you should see the pictures of my wife"

"Is your mother as dirty as your van?... i already know your wife is"

"My wife is inside, is yours?"

"We watch your wife while she showers", window fitter's van

"Dirtier than a weekend with Jordan"

"Don't wash me, plant potatoes on me"

"Plough Me"

"Dirty? You should see my ears."

"Hows my driving? 0800-eat shit"

"How's my topsoil? Call 1-800-DIRT"

"Wisely Driven? If so call police - vehicle stolen"

"Also available in white", white lorry

"You missed", white Ford Transit

"A rarer one", Mercedes Sprinter

"Cleaned by Stevie Wonder, checked by David Blunkett"

"Did you ever wish you hadn't started something?", on the dirty half of a half-washed van

Below the "How's my driving?" sticker: "Fuck off"



"Ge us a wesh", South Yorkshire

"Where there's muck there's bra's", very dirty Gossard articulated truck

"no jobbie too big", sewage lorry

"You have tried the cowboys, now try the indians"

"Joe is a poof" (my girlfriend saw that one)

"The Pig Green arce Machine" (an altered version of 'The Big Green Parcel Machine')

"If you can't see my mirrors, I'm dong my hair"

"A diog is for life, not just Saturday night"

© 2005. This shit is mine, fool. Contact